Until next time

Hi, 

It’s me. 

I’m sitting to write something, maybe nothing, after long long years. Guess we’ll find out after the word vomit’s over. 

In the last few years, I’ve grown, been the best i thought i could ever be, I've achieved so much that my life now feels purposeless. I’ve done things the child Ananya couldn't even dream of achieving. I’ve made money, bought the fanciest of things. Okay maybe not as fancy as a private jet, yeah, but indeed things that made everyday life..umm..worth it?

I’ve made friends, I've lost friends. I’ve met thousands of people..but most importantly..I met myself, over and over again. 

I met myself for a few months - had fun with her, built with her, helped her grow. But then one day, out of the blue, I just lost her. 

I lost her like a tissue that flies away when a strong wind blows, like when you look away for a second and the moon that was shining strong and bright just disappears behind the thick black clouds. No matter how much you shift your angle, you just can't see it. 

Well, you know it’s there. But it’s also not there..

And that’s exactly where I am today. 

I know I'm here. And I know this is where I'm supposed to be. But then whenever I say this..there’s a voice inside my head that goes –”umm, are you really sure?”

I don't know what that means. And I'm sure you’d be disappointed if you’re looking for an answer here. And you’d definitely be devastated if you’re hoping for this “find myself” sort of an essay to end on a positive, self-help kind of note.

But I don't know where we’re headed. I don't know if I’m swimming, or driving, or walking, or flying or maybe even just sitting there. Or lying down looking at the sun. 

I know I exist just like the moon. But I'm somewhere behind those clouds. The clouds made of anger, expectations, dilemmas, the who’s who and who’s nots. 

Honestly, if you ask me, I can't even rightly say what those clouds are made of. In science, it's easy. It’s water vapour (sort of). You guarantee that. But maybe life is harder than science for a reason. You know everything always and you know nothing never. Well, it’s a tricky space to be in. 

But the more I write, the more I talk to people. I think it’s a space that everyone who’s ever crossed 20 lies in at least once in every 3 years. The phase of the moon that lasts 21 days, maybe for humans it’s 3 years - 3 years where life happens - you meet yourself, you help yourself become the best version, and then something goes wrong, things fall apart, you start disappearing, you cry for help, for someone to save you, but no one comes..and just like that you go back into the clouds. You disappear..for your own self to find you.. Until next time.

And, the next time you meet yourself, it’s always better than the last time.

So, hold onto that hope. Hold onto the hope that the next one’s gonna be better. At least after this word-vomit, I'm holding onto it.